Validation vs. Invalidation

Validation is one of the most powerful tools for emotional connection, yet it is often misunderstood. Many people think validating means agreeing or fixing the problem. In reality, validation simply communicates that someone’s emotional experience makes sense. It can be really difficult to validate your partner, especially when the thing that you’re meant to validate them about is how you have potentially mistreated them. We go into defence, we want to explain away the pain and just like that, we’re in a fight again!

Instead, helpful validation sounds like, “I can understand why you’d feel that way,” or, “Yeah, that makes sense.” These statements do not judge, minimize, or rush the emotion. You might also notice that none of these statements even say you agree with the other person! Validation is simply letting the other person know they are not wrong for feeling what they feel.

Invalidating responses are usually well intentioned, but they can quietly shut someone down or can intensify conflict when people feel unheard or misunderstood. Phrases like, “It’s ok,” “Don’t worry,” or, “Don’t cry,” may feel comforting to say, but they send the message that the emotion should stop. Statements such as, “You shouldn’t feel sad,” “You’re being too emotional,” or, “You have lots to be thankful for,” often leave people feeling misunderstood or dismissed. Comparing suffering, like saying your experience was worse, can also unintentionally invalidate someone’s pain.

If you are not ready or able to validate in the moment, avoid debating or correcting. Instead, get curious. Curiosity keeps the conversation open and respectful. You might say, “I see you’re feeling really upset. I wonder what’s behind that,” or, “Can you help me understand why this affects you so strongly?”

Validation does not require perfect words. It requires presence, openness, and a willingness to understand rather than fix. When people feel seen, emotions tend to soften naturally. I often repeat the refrain “validate, then debate!” with couples in couples therapy. Though in reality, I would suggest avoiding debating emotionally charged topics, it’s just a good rhyme! In couples counselling, clients are often surprised when topics that have often been emotional minefields get discussed rather quickly and without intense escalation. This can be the power of validation!