Validation vs. Invalidation
Validation is one of the most powerful tools for emotional connection, yet it is often misunderstood. Many people think validating means agreeing or fixing the problem. In reality, validation simply communicates that someone’s emotional experience makes sense. It can be really difficult to validate your partner, especially when the thing that you’re meant to validate them about is how you have potentially mistreated them. We go into defence, we want to explain away the pain and just like that, we’re in a fight again!
Instead, helpful validation sounds like, “I can understand why you’d feel that way,” or, “Yeah, that makes sense.” These statements do not judge, minimize, or rush the emotion. You might also notice that none of these statements even say you agree with the other person! Validation is simply letting the other person know they are not wrong for feeling what they feel.
Invalidating responses are usually well intentioned, but they can quietly shut someone down or can intensify conflict when people feel unheard or misunderstood. Phrases like, “It’s ok,” “Don’t worry,” or, “Don’t cry,” may feel comforting to say, but they send the message that the emotion should stop. Statements such as, “You shouldn’t feel sad,” “You’re being too emotional,” or, “You have lots to be thankful for,” often leave people feeling misunderstood or dismissed. Comparing suffering, like saying your experience was worse, can also unintentionally invalidate someone’s pain.
If you are not ready or able to validate in the moment, avoid debating or correcting. Instead, get curious. Curiosity keeps the conversation open and respectful. You might say, “I see you’re feeling really upset. I wonder what’s behind that,” or, “Can you help me understand why this affects you so strongly?”
Validation does not require perfect words. It requires presence, openness, and a willingness to understand rather than fix. When people feel seen, emotions tend to soften naturally. I often repeat the refrain “validate, then debate!” with couples in couples therapy. Though in reality, I would suggest avoiding debating emotionally charged topics, it’s just a good rhyme! In couples counselling, clients are often surprised when topics that have often been emotional minefields get discussed rather quickly and without intense escalation. This can be the power of validation!
What do Fight, Flight, Freeze Responses Look Like in the Modern World?
Fight, flight, or freeze responses are the body’s natural survival strategies. We owe these reactions to some of the oldest structures in the brain, evolutionarily speaking. Designed to protect us from danger, these nervous system responses help keep us safe in threatening situations. Yet the brain that evolved to make survival more likely in early human societies are now being used for ever more complex tasks. As a result, in modern life the fight flight freeze response is often triggered by everyday stressors: work pressure, relationship conflict, or emotional overwhelm, rather than true physical danger.
Today, a fight response rarely looks like physical aggression. Instead, it may show up as excessive problem-solving, controlling behaviour, or disproportionate emotional reactions. People often describe spending hours “solving” the same problem over and over, snapping, becoming easily irritated, or “blowing up” and later feeling regret.
The flight response is commonly linked to avoidance, whether relationships, responsibilities or challenging emotions. This can include ghosting others when emotions feel overwhelming or things get too complicated. Procrastinating on difficult or boring tasks can also be a modern manifestation of the F/F/F response, as well as using substances, social media, or doomscrolling to escape uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.
With a freeze response, the nervous system shuts things down. People may feel stuck, numb, or disconnected, especially during emotionally charged conversations. Freeze responses often involve emotional withdrawal or feeling distant from others.
These stress responses are not weaknesses, they are adaptive trauma responses that once helped create safety. In some situations, such as trusting your intuition when someone feels unsafe, fight, flight, or freeze responses can still of course be useful and protective!
In therapy, a key focus is identifying when these patterns show up in your life, understanding what triggers them, and learning nervous system regulation strategies that support emotional health, relationships, and overall wellbeing.
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The Benefits of Couples Therapy
It all begins with an idea.
People often enter into couples counselling as a last resort. However, it is most effective as a proactive investment in the health of a relationship. Whether you are facing long-standing challenges, total deadlock on specific issues, recovering from relationship betrayal or simply want to strengthen your connection, counselling provides a structured and supportive space to grow together.
A main benefit of couples counselling is improved communication. Many conflicts stem not from what is said, but how it is said, or not said at all. Couples counsellors can help partners recognize unhelpful patterns, express their needs more clearly, and listen with greater empathy. So often in couples counselling I meet two people feeling both their needs aren’t being met, but also wishing desperately they knew exactly how to provide what it is their partner feels is missing. Through couples therapy, partners learn new communication tools that reduce misunderstandings and create more constructive dialogue.
Couples therapy also provides the opportunity to address unresolved conflict in a safe environment. Instead of repeating the same arguments or avoiding difficult topics altogether and letting resentment fester, counselling allows couples to examine root causes, identify triggers, and develop healthier ways to navigate disagreement. The Gottman Institute, a leader of couples therapy research, claims that over 60% of conflict occurring in relationships are unsolvable issues. According to The Gottman Institute, it is not that disagreement exists that predicts unhealthy relationships, but rather how a couple goes about discussing disagreement. Learning to navigate disagreement can over time reduce tension in the household and have both partners feeling they are on the same team.
For many couples, counselling provides tools for long-term resilience. Learning skills such as boundary-setting, conflict de-escalation, and collaborative problem-solving equips partners to face future challenges with confidence. Counselling can also help partners manage specific issues, such as the effects of trauma, ADHD-related dynamics, or anxiety—by developing strategies tailored to their relationship.
Ultimately, couples counselling is not about identifying who is “right” or “wrong.” It is about fostering understanding, strengthening connection, and creating a relationship where both partners feel valued. Whether a couple is struggling or simply seeking to grow, counselling offers a powerful pathway toward healthier, more fulfilling partnership.