The “Emotional” vs. “Logical” Partner
A frequent dynamic I see in couples counselling especially in first sessions, is a couple describing themselves as being a partnership of two opposites; one “logical” and one “emotional”. Typically (in hetero couples), though not always, these self-applied labels fall along gendered lines with the male partner the “logical” one and the female partner the “emotional one”.
When these two opposites collide, what often emerges is a dynamic where in conflict, the “logical” partner focuses on words and details and solving problems as quickly as possible. To the “emotional” partner, this can feel like being forced to litigate in court rather than actually engaging with someone who cares for you.
To the “logical” partner, arguments can feel like a particularly confusing kind of hell where obvious solutions don’t land, where our partner never calms, where our intentions are misconstrued and just walking away before further escalation can feel like the most responsible thing to do.
Couples therapy is a great place to analyze these patterns and learn tools address them directly in the moment. One such tool is validation, as described in more detail in Jan 4th’s blog titled “Validation vs. Invalidation”.
Another such change in perspective is the “logical” partner learning to see that rarely if ever are human beings actually devoid of emotion. In couples counselling, we make frequent use of the Feelings Wheel¹ as a tool to discover what emotions are on the table before actually beginning the discussion.
Some emotions are easy to identify and express in conflict: anger, frustration, hostility or disgust. These emotions are helpful to identify, but less helpful to continuously express. I often say to clients that anger is an emotion about an emotion. What is the more difficult emotion underneath? Going back to the Feelings Wheel, the more difficult emotions are found on the outside ring and they are generally more precise. This process is especially helpful for the “logical” partner who may quickly brush past more difficult or vulnerable emotions, opt for anger and jump to litigation and miss a key opportunity to be understood by the “emotional” partner who likely senses an uncommunicated emotion operating just out of sight.
Think of slowing down in conflict as an investment. Taking the time to get the emotional lay of the land may feel like a waste of time, but 5 minutes spent in this way can save us hours of confusing and painful conflict!
If the goal of the “logical” partner is to effectively resolve conflict, then it would seem that ignoring the emotional plane of human existence is contrary to that goal. Put simply: it is illogical to deny the presence of emotions in hours-long cyclical arguments when working with them makes conflict a productive space where both feel heard, respected and we still have enough time before bed to watch an episode of our favourite HBO series after.
One of the funniest moments in couples therapy is when we take the time to have difficult conversations in a structured manner, which includes preemptive emotional mapping, and it wraps up in about 10-15 minutes. We then all just turn to each other laughing in this surprised way that asks “That’s it?”.
It can be when we have conflict in a way that respects as equals the “logical” and “emotional” brains.
¹ Funnily enough, I first discovered the Feelings Wheel as a middle school teacher who was tired of students using adjectives like “good”, “happy”, “sad” to describe their characters in creative writing exercises. It made for boring reading and I wanted a tool to develop more precise emotional vocabulary, so we banned the usage of any adjective in the inner circle of the feelings wheel! Ha!
